i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
