yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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