It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
