Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
