Kareoke will never be a sober sport
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
