I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
