I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
