Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
