I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
