this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
