As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
