I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
