I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
