Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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