Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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