I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
