we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
