it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
