on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
do nipples grow back?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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