i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
