NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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