I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
