he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
