Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
sarcasm needs its own font
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
