I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
