My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
