remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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