paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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