Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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