She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
