I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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