remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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