So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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