I'm gonna have a badass scar
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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