I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize