I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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