I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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