she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
