Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
