Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize