The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
