Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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