dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
