I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize