3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
