Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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