He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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