it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
