i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
