Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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