my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I love having hate sex.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
