what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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