He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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