Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
