i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize