I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
