Need sex. Gaining weight.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
