Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They took my balls.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
