His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
