She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
