Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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