I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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