So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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