:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
