Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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