so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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