i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
