You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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