If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
